Arguing Part 2.

couple talking“You can’t handle the truth”.
I’m telling him/her what it is they do and all I get is anger, denial or resistance.
What’s the point? Why bother? You won’t listen, you won’t hear me!
Absolutely right!
How can one listen to the truth (or at least my version of the truth) when I am wielding it like a spear…..driving my truth into your heart.
Is the truth that difficult to hear? If we are really honest the answer is yes.
For anyone to hear criticism from another we care about is a most difficult task.
It needs to be done carefully. In a calm and supportive environment.
Not in the heat of battle.
Consider your reasons for ‘pointing out’ the faults of another.
Is it because you love them and want to show them ways to improve your relationship? If so then when will you welcome hearing their ‘truth’ about you?
When you want another to give up certain behaviours, reflect on what you want them to replace these behaviours with?
“I want you to listen to me……talk to me about what is happening between us”, Is much better than “you never show any interest in what I am doing. You don’t ever tell me about what is going on for you”.
This is the heart of arguing.
If we are not displaying compassion and understanding when telling our “truth”, then we are out to cause injury, emotional injury.
The term for that is ‘venting’. Venting is not about building a bridge between you and your partner. Venting is about dumping your frustration on another.
There is nothing wrong with venting…….but don’t pretend that you are trying to communicate anything to your partner other than how pissed off you are.
For many of us the words “we need to talk” engender tension within us.
What these words often mean are I want to fire my frustration at you and you must sit and listen to it
To deal with the accumulated frustration with our partner we need to rebuild our trust together. Telling someone what annoys you about them doesn’t build trust. Telling them what you love about them, what actions you have noticed them doing that you appreciate is building trust.
What is your ratio of criticism to acknowledgement?
How often do you tell your loved one what you love about them?
How often do you tell your loved one what annoys you about them?
Don’t wait to receive acknowledgement from them.
Start giving it to them now.

Michael

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